Monday, December 25, 2006

Day One-War On Christmas 2007

Of course, this is a multi-generational effort so don't expect "mission accomplished" any time soon (besides, I don't own a flight suit). But continue to fight we must-the Christians want to establish a radical Christianiphate! We can't have that, it's a dangerous ideology.

Happy Holidays and Best Wishes,
Your Pal,
Johnny Dewey (or don't he?)

Sunday, December 24, 2006

It's Beginning To Feel A Lot Like Christmas

Well, well, we're nearly at the conclusion of this year's War on Christmas (tm). Personally, I have not had this much fun since Christmas of 1974 when I was gifted a magnificent bauble called a "mood ring." Interestingly, that was the same year I discovered an enjoyable little pastime called "*fisting" which I knew I was enjoying as the ring kept coming out of the orifice blue, which according to the ring's instructions would indicate I was having a splendid time indeed.

So what are you getting for Christmas. Remember, 'tis better to give than receive-particularly when it comes to fisting.

*Inserting one's hand into an orifice, typically an anus or vagina but occasionaly...well, nevermind.

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Condition Of The World

Every year, just before Christmas, I get a visit from the local Je-hoo-vies Witnesses. Typically, I bite my tongue as the two elderly women dispatched to my door point to the childishly simplistic drawings adorning their literature and tell me how the world is supposed to be. I politely take their pamphlets and wish them well, knowing better than to invite them in.

But this year, well-there's a war on. I have no idea what their stance on Christmas is-nor do I really care. You see, we secular humanists lump all Christians together and make generalisations every single chance we get-facts be damned! Look, I don't make the rules, if you don't like it, complain to the ACLU or the Lawyer's Guild-the fine-print arm of the War On Christmas Army.

Anyway, withered old bag # 1 starts in with "Many people are concerned about the condition of the world..."

I quickly interrupted her,

"Well, I'm not-would you please leave?"

Happy Holidays.

The Battle of Britain

I'm pleased to hear that the War on Christmas (tm) is being waged by our cousins across the Atlantic as well.

I actually had an entire chapter of Democracy and Education devoted to exploding the Father Christmas myth however, my editors insisted I leave it out and discuss the role of civics instead.


The Final "Surge"

Yes friends, the War On Christmas(tm) is in the final "surge" where we secular humanists pull out all the stops.

Now that Father Christmas has dropped dead before a gathering of youngsters, it should be a simple enough thing to get Frosty and Rudolph as well.

Happy Holidays!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Be Of Good Cheer (and Aim)!

At last I've found a use for all those disgusting spun-glass ornaments people insist on giving me year after year.

And you know, it is so much more satisfying than shooting at tin cans on a fence.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The War Resumes!

So I stumbled upon a fellow today wearing a shirt that read,
"God's Army."

Look, I realize this is war, etc. but if you're going to have an "army" you should at the very least, have some sort of uniform beyond a cheap t-shirt. Hell, even Che and the boys had matching berets. Look, go over to Wal-Mart or one of your "hate values" approved shrines of capitalism and get yourselves some decent duds. Really, you look worse than the Lincoln Brigades did in the Spanish Civil War (and even they managed to throw together some decent attire).

What's more, I've seen God's army, and from what I've observed-they can't even march.
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