Monday, November 20, 2006

War On Christmas-Day Twelve

Look, I know what you're thinking;
"Oh, that John Dewey is always making value judgments when it comes to religious types."

Sure, it's true. I admit that I make value judgments. So does everyone else, the difference being my reference points are based in actual things that exist, not the commands of some imaginary god. Oh shit, I did it again...oh well, have some egg nog, will you?

Happy Holidays!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

War On Christmas-Day Eleven

This year, I'm insisting everyone at work call the gift exchange, "Secret Secularist."

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

War On Christmas-Day Ten

I was in line at the grocer when the child that had screamed his way through various aisles ended up directly behind me. Still tormenting his mother and being a generally awful beast, I took the opportunity to use the new mobile telephone I'd purchased. I waited until the brat made eye contact to whip-out the phone.

"Hello, operator? Get me Father Christmas."
( Then, directly to the child),
"You are soooo on the naughty list this year."

I wished the mother "Happy Holidays" but I dare say she might not have heard me over the ensuing hysteria.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

War On Christmas-Day Nine

Today on campus, I overheard what I though was a youngster singing "O Tannenbaum" yet as I approached I quickly recognized the song was in fact, "Raise the Red Flag."

I invited the lad to join my War On Christmas (tm) and he agreed. We're going to crash a sorority soiree and after we've pursuaded a few co-eds to come down to the motorcar for some necking we're going to shatter their worlds by wishing them "Happy Holidays." Boy, won't they be steamed!

Happy Holidays!

Monday, November 13, 2006

War On Christmas-Day Eight

Another "Bell Ringer" confronts me with saccharine smile and blessings.

"Sorry", I informed him, "This year, I'm giving all my money to drunken homosexual atheists. Maybe next year, Happy Holidays."

Sunday, November 12, 2006

War On Christmas-Day Seven

I was out and about today and noticed the village Christmas tree and nativity scene are up rather early. Heh, heh, heh, I was out rather late...with my two English Sheepdogs Theory and Practice.

Happy Holidays!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

War On Christmas-Day Six

Harrumph. The “bell ringers” are out in force already. Yes of course, I realize they must get an early jump on collecting funds to sober-up drunkards. So many drunkards.

I spotted my mark clanging away outside the dry goods store.

“Hello my good man. Brisk outside today, wouldn’t you agree?”

“(nodding cheerfully) Oh yes sir, quite cold.”

“(slipping a half-pint of rye whiskey from my coat pocket) “Here you go buddy, have a nip-good for the heart I hear. Oh, andHappy Holidays.”

Friday, November 10, 2006

War on Christmas-Day Five

It appears major retailers are ditching the Happy Holidays in favor of the more insincere, pandering "Merry Christmas."

Ah yes, the purchasing power of the ignorant-can't hardly blame corporate America for exploiting stupidity when and where it rears its ugly (and really, it is quite ugly) head.

"The business of business is business", or so the saying goes. Philospohers, on the other hand, well, it's like the bumper sticker says;

"Philosopohers are great lovers...of truth."

And there's no God. Or Father Christmas. Happy Holidays.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

War On Christmas-Day Four

I went down to Gimbles at lunchtime-the place was teeming with youngsters lined-up to sit on Farther Christmas' lap. Loudly, I announced for all to hear,

"There is no Father Christmas, and this fellow is a junkie that spends his evening hours turning tricks at Times Square. Furthermore, there's no God either. Happy Holidays."

Score another one for Dewey.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

War on Christmas-Day Three

Oh my, I was naughty today! Everyone I encountered, I smiled and wished "Happy Holidays." You should have seen the simmering anger in their faces as they uttered retorts of "Merry Christmas." I certainly showed them.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Day Two, War on Christmas

I suppose many of you are wondering, “Why does John Dewey hate Christmas so much? Surely others reject Christianity without waging all out war. You don’t see Rorty or Singer out bludgeoning Salvation Army bell ringers to death and stealing away with their bells and kettles. Perhaps John Dewey has some dark Christmas memory from childhood provoking such strong anti-Christmas reactions.”

Nay, the Christmases of my youth were of the sort people pine for these days. Those frigid Christmas mornings in Burlington, when we’d all pass round a bottle of rye and take turns nibbling at a communal block of specially aged cheddar are cherished memories. For supper, mother would serve the last of the previous year’s maple syrup and we’d all retire to the parlour to read the latest missive from that Marx fellow. Then, we’d read that scientist gentleman, ah what was his name…you know, the one with the finches in the Galapagos…well anyway, we’d have our fill of reading, rye and maple cream and then head out to rough-up the local minister. Great fun, great fun.

In later years, when the dreaded concept of the workplace Christmas party came into vogue, I did my very best to be a sport. In the early days at Chicago, I’d routinely head over to the lab school and spike the children’s punch in a spirit of celebration. Oddly enough, it was at Christmastime that they sacked me, though truth be told, they did me a tremendous favour as Columbia was pleased to have me and as we all know, Columbia is swarming with Jews thereby relieving me of the forced Christmas merriment. I spun many a dreidel in my New York years. Now, the Jews at Columbia…they know how to wage war on Christmas. No “Chanukah Bushes” for the Columbia crowd, thank you very much.

I mean, all that mistletoe, and elderly librarians trying to pin you in the doorway as they forced their withered tongues into your mouth and grabbed a bit of buttock for good measure. Oh, the debauchery of the holidays. Hate it, just hate it. It’s all a lie anyway. Immaculate conception-good one. We used to get more than a few of those back in Burlington.

Monday, November 06, 2006

This Means WAR!

Fine, fine, I know it is proper to wait until after the Thanksgiving holiday for the traditional start to the Christmas season...however I cannot bear it a moment longer. I've decided to get a jump on the "War on Christmas" (tm) this year and begin today.

For years, I've been getting the credit for waging war on Christmas, therefore I've decided to actually go ahead and do it. So there. It's true. I hate Christmas. In fact, I hate it so much, I'm going to spell it "X-Mass." Furthermore, I hate X-Mass so much I'm going to stop using the letter "C" altogether, as it only serves to remind me of Christmas. I suppose that means I'm dining on Xhixen for dinner this evening, sitting in my favourite Xhair.

I must take leave now to work on my sequal to "Is Logic A Dualistic Science." I'm thinking of the title,

"Is Logic a Dualistic Science? Who The Hell Cares, I'm Waging War on Christmas!"

-Wonder if my publisher will bite...

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